Archive For The “Life” Category
September 26, 2016
I think I’ve reached a weird state of anxiety. I feel anxious, and then I find it hard to concentrate on the things I need to get done, and that leads to me feeling more anxious because nothing gets done.
I’m back to floating and I hate it. To start with, I feel useless. I’m at home: not making money and not having fun. To be quite frank, it feels like I’m back to wasting my life. I started reading this book called The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of Them Now and I swear to God, it’s making me depressed. It’s making me compare my life to others and it’s throwing in a whole bunch of scary statistics that make me feel as though I’m falling behind.
I hate being 24, jobless, and living at home. It makes me feel like a loser and I don’t want to be a loser. I know what I want to be, and I know what I want my life to be, but it seems so hard to attain and I don’t feel that young anymore. I want to get my book published. I want to go to Asia and South America. I want to live downtown. Do you think if I get these things, I’ll have unbreakable happiness?
Maybe I need to feel like this right now so I can feel really happy later on. I just hope the moment of clarity will come sooner rather than later. Maybe I’m just a really impatient person….I’m trying to be patient, but the waiting is just killing me.
June 17, 2016
Yesterday was my one year anniversary with Europe. It feels incredible and strange and unbelievable all at the same time. I remember the day I left so well, not just because I wrote it down, but because I don’t think it’s possible to forget something so significant. I remember the toilet flooded and how the morning was spent trying to soak up all the water from the floor with towels. I remember I ate a leftover sausage for lunch and how I sat outside on the new deck, wishing I could sit there a little longer. And I remember driving away from home, wanting to cry and trying not to.
365 days is a long time. It’s been 365 days since I hugged my mom. 365 days since I got a good-morning kiss on my head from my dad. 365 since I held my grandma’s hand or sat in the car with my sisters. 365 days.
On day number 1, when I arrived in Berlin and settled down in my bed for my first sleep away from home, I could never have predicted how day number 365 would feel waking up in my bed in Paris. I just looked through some photos — all of the things that I’ve seen and done — and smells came back to me, and feelings rushed upon me, and for the first time in my life, I felt wiser. I have been waiting, seemingly forever, for a growth spurt, and I think I finally got it. It didn’t come in gaining height as I imagined it would – it came in gaining wisdom and in gaining experience. Thinking back to every moment where I stood completely lost, or lonely, or scared, dragging around a suitcase that was too heavy for me, surrounded by people I didn’t know speaking languages I didn’t understand, I realize that all those moments in which I felt that I was made too small for this world, I really wasn’t. Well, maybe I was made a little too small, but that was probably only so that I had a reason to grow. Now that I’ve had my growth spurt, I think I’m just the right size.
I know the world is far from perfect, but I still believe that it’s good and I still love it, and I fall a little bit more in love with it each passing day.
I have missed birthdays, and Christmas, milestones and little, every day moments, but I knew I would be sacrificing those things when I signed up for this. I keep looking back to the last picture I took with my family. My hair is longer now and my denim top has two holes in the elbows which means I should probably throw it out, but I know the real change in me is invisible to the naked eye. People always say you are supposed to do the thing that scares you. Sometimes I don’t understand why I’ve been so afraid of change — I would be more disappointed in myself right now if I hadn’t changed. Yes, I am grateful that in 365 days the world has changed me — for the better – and I hope that one day, I’ll be able to repay the favour and somehow change the world.
June 3, 2016
So this is what being 24 feels like. I guess some parts of it still feel just as confusing and lonely as 23, and 22, and 20 — and maybe 25 will feel that way too. Maybe life, at any given age, will always feel a little bit lonely and a little bit confusing — and a little bit of everything else.
Yesterday, with 10 minutes to go, I kept glancing at the clock to see how much precious time I had left being 23. It was another rainy night in Paris and my socks were wet again, and I walked across a bridge where I could see the Eiffel Tower gleaming gold. I’ll probably never see the Eiffel Tower shine on my birthday again so I looked at it, and memorized what it looked like, and memorized how it felt to look at it.
Soon there was only one more minute left of being 23 and then voila, the clock chimed 00:00. It was my birthday and I was in Paris. Really, there was no other place I’d rather have been except perhaps, home.
I felt relieved and proud to turn 24, but of course, also a little bit sad. I always feel a little bit sad to wish good bye to an age especially because 23 was such a big year for me. 22 was figuring out what I wanted. 23 was doing it. I don’t yet know what 24 will be but I have a feeling it will be exciting.
I’ll remember 23 as the year I met the world and the year the world met me. You see, I really only spent 2 weeks of being 23 at home so really, 23 was just me and the world. And I know this sounds terribly cliché, but I really did grow up this year, learn a lot, and embrace life in the best possible way.
I’ll remember 23 as the year I constantly woke up in new cities, and tried new foods, and learned new languages, and met new people. Almost every day was new, and exciting, and different. For someone who doesn’t do well with change, I’m proud of how I handled all the changes of this year and I’m proud of how I did the one thing that terrified me most in the world — that is, to leave home.
On my first morning of being 24, I walked down the streets of the 16th arrondissement which were fresh and glistening with last night’s rain, and I smiled to myself because it was my birthday. Only two people in whole city of Paris knew it was my birthday and I felt a bit special having this secret. I looked around and tried to imagine who else was celebrating her birthday but it was impossible to tell. It could have been anyone’s birthday, and I’d never have know.
Beanie, Sophie and I went for brunch and then we bought these delectable little pastries. Right before I took the metro home, I took a photo with a carousel because carousels are whimsical, and bright, and merry: and that is what I want my 24th year on this planet to be. I want twinkling lights, and bright colours, beautiful music that makes me smile, and always, always, always, a touch of magic.