My mind has gone through such a range of emotions these past couple days that I can hardly believe it. I am half excited, half terrified. The other night, I began to doubt absolutely everything and I wished that I hadn’t booked my ticket at all! Planning my itinerary is hard, and trying to figure out how I’ll be getting around is confusing, and making sure I can get to my hostel is stressful.
I’m also worried about the plane…I keep thinking it’s going to crash. I hope it doesn’t crash, and I hope I don’t get lost, and I hope I don’t get robbed. Maybe this is one of those times when people say “stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong, and start thinking about the things that could go right.”
My mom hasn’t been very helpful but she’s busy with other things. I guess I have to learn to do this on my own – after all, she’s not going to New York with me. She’s not going to be there to hold my hand. There comes a time when you have to face the world on your own, and I guess this is my time. Today NYC…tomorrow THE WORLD.
I’m really scared though..terrified actually. Everyone says I’m so brave, but the truth is, I don’t feel brave at all. I feel small and lost. Maybe being brave isn’t about being unafraid…maybe it’s about being terrified out of your mind and doing it anyway. So I’m going to New York, even though my hands are shaking and there’s a pit in my stomach.
In 24 hours, I’ll either be running around lost and scared in NYC or nestled safely in my hostel bed. Tonight I’m warm and safe in my own bed and surrounded by people I love…tomorrow I’ll be in a new city, in a strange bed, surrounded by people I don’t know. It’s strange to think about – life can be pretty weird sometimes. I don’t know if I’m ready for New York but as they say, if you wait until you’re “ready,” you’ll be waiting for the rest of your life.
I’m trying to put myself in future Kazandra’s shoes. Who will I be in 24 hours? It’s like I don’t know myself. Well, I wish that girl – my future self – the best of luck.
And to you – whoever you are – I hope you’ve had the courage to travel the world and do what you want to do. And if you haven’t yet, I hope one day you will. Actually, I know you will. How do I know? Because I used to doubt that same courage in me…and look at me now.