Today is a sad day for me because it is the last day I will ever able to say that I am 21. I had 365 days and now they’re over and done with, and never coming back. For some reason, when I think about it that way, it makes me incredibly sad and wistful and leaves me wishing that I could go back and get those 365 days back.
It’s hard for me to feel excited about the future when I’m always turning around to peer at the past over my shoulder. It’s hard for me to look forward to what lies around the bend when I’d gladly drive up and down the same street simply because I’m too afraid to turn the corner. It’s even hard for me to feel excited about it being the first of June because all I can think about is how sad I am that May is over. This is a dangerous mindset to be in because life moves forward, time moves forward, and I can’t change that.
Maybe I’m sad to leave 21 behind because I feel like I didn’t make the most of it. I’m living under the impression that my 20’s should be the best time of my life…and I feel like they’re not. So this birthday is just a reminder that another year has come to and end, the sweet days of innocence are over, and that childhood is nothing but a long forgotten dream.
Sometime at night, I cry a little to myself. Not a lot – just small, quiet tears in the corner of my eyes. It happens on the bus sometimes too. I weep for the forgotten days of eternal sunshine. I weep for the distant memories carried away by the summer wind. And I weep for the girl who I used to be and who I can’t seem to really remember, no matter how hard I try to find her in the fleeting glimpses in the mirror.
I just reread Anna Karenina and I always feel that the characters are trying to tell me something that I’m just not understanding or that there’s some hidden message within the folds of the pages – the secret to happiness, perhaps – that I’m just not able to wrap my head around. I wish someone would outright tell me. I’m yearning for the answer so badly – I feel like I will be wiser and happier and better off knowing.
Although I am able to relate to all the characters in the story at certain points, at this stage in my life I feel Anna more forcibly within me than I ever have before. I want to live. I want to feel the passion of life and taste the splendor of the world. Most importantly, I want happiness – real, true happiness (whatever that is) – yet I feel as though I’m always looking for something bigger and better without noticing the happiness that is around me. And just like Anna, I feel like there’s a burning question inside of me that I desperately need to know the answer to, but that I just don’t know how to put into words and ask.